Ever wonder why Tinubu has been spending more time in France than Nigeria lately? Turns out, it wasn’t for diplomatic business—it was for survival! Apparently, he’s been on the run from these “criminal masterminds”—a gang of children plotting to overthrow his government! Now that they’ve been apprehended, experts believe Tinubu finally has the safe environment he needs to deliver on his Renewed Hope agenda.
Let’s meet the “ringleaders” of the “coup” to dethrone Nigeria’s “greatest” president.
1. Auta Ibrahim
This 5-year-old genius from Kano masterminded a coup with all the finesse of a Saturday morning cartoon villain. His grand plan? Ambush President Tinubu at a fuel station queue, challenge him to a one-on-one duel, and, upon inevitable victory, crown himself President of Nigeria. Rumor has it he spent weeks rehearsing his presidential wave on the playground, blowing kisses to an adoring crowd of kindergartners. If the coup had succeeded, Auta Ibrahim would’ve not only become the youngest president in the world but also the first to sign bills during snack time and hold press conferences on the monkey bars.
2. Tanko Abubakar
This sweet-looking 9-year-old, affectionately dubbed the “Mogul of Kano Streets,” was the financier behind the coup. After raking in a whopping 500 naira from his almajiri begging business, Tanko decided to take a stand against the rising cost of toys. Out of economic outrage, he plotted to overthrow Tinubu and crash the prices of toys.
He was accused of tossing his hard-earned 500 naira around, enticing other kids to join his rebellion against Tinubu with promises of ice cream and biscuits.
Little did he know, his generous spending spree sent the naira into a tailspin, causing inflation to skyrocket and sending Nigeria’s economy into the bottomless pit, according to self-proclaimed economic experts among Tinubu’s supporters.
“Look what one sweet-faced beggar has done!” the experts lamented. “He’s single-handedly ruined our economy just to fund a coup, all while plotting to become Finance Minister and make toys cheaper!”
3. Tanoma Muhammad
This 5-year-old mastermind was the brains behind the entire mutiny. He skillfully convinced the other kids to believe there was “hunger in Nigeria,” a wildly false claim that sent shockwaves through the kindergarten playground and rallied his followers to plot Tinubu’s downfall.
At one point, he even led a brigade of two-year-olds in a fierce protest against “hardship” (mainly the rising price of ice cream and biscuits).
According to experts, his real agenda was to destabilize Tinubu’s government and swoop in as the Minister of Information under Auta’s regime. With his knack for spreading fake news about the snack shortage, he’s already shown he has the perfect qualifications.
4. Adamu Adamu
Though this 6-year-old insists he had nothing to do with the coup, his downfall came when a spy overheard him boldly singing, “Parents, listen to your children, we are the leaders of tomorrow…” Horrified, the informant promptly reported him to authorities, citing the song as undeniable proof of an insidious plot to overthrow Tinubu and seize power by tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Tinubu’s supporters took to the streets in jubilant celebration over the capture of the “infant insurgents.”
Ayo Adenuga passionately claimed that these children were the very reason Tinubu hadn’t yet delivered on his “Renewed Hope” promise. “How could he?” she cried. “The poor man was fleeing Nigeria every other week to dodge their capture attempts! Now, finally, with these little rebels behind bars, Tinubu can safely stay home and start delivering—beginning with that Renewed Hope we were all promised!”
Dominique Olumide went even further, condemning the children for their reckless spending. “These infant plotters dumped their vast almajiri fortunes into our economy, and now look at us!” she exclaimed, holding up a single grain of rice as if it were a diamond. “The price of a bag of rice shot up from 10,000 to 100,000 naira, all because these ambitious little tycoons couldn’t resist throwing their 500-naira fortunes around!”
